Thursday Jan 15th reflection

 Has aa become my natural way of living? Most certainly not. The good things in my life can be directly attributed to AA. But the chaotic stuff is all Nicole made. I am stubborn and arrogant. I do get this part though. That at the end of the day staying sober depends on finding keeping and a developing a relationship with the rock star. The sobriety solution is in fact a spiritual one. The nature of my disease is physical cravings and mental obsessions and self centered focus. And the conventional attributes of practicing aa addresses these problems. Service, focus on gratitude and talking everyday with other alcoholics, even meetings. The Crux of the whole proposition is a godly endeavor. So while I work at doing the conventional things better. I need to keep my eye on the prize. Learning about my God discovering the nature of my relationship to my creator has to be the big goal. I'll continue to be better little by little on the conventional practices. I'll do my assignments, go to meetings, do my coffee commitment and encourage my fellow addicts. But I won't kill myself if I don't do those things perfectly. What I will try to do honestly and hopefully and optimistic ally is get closer to the Rockstar. I will have huge goals like being grateful for my challenges. I will pray to something ever more and more real. I will pray for salvation and and try to earn my blessings by being more godly. Even though the reality is his love is so awesome that none of us can earn it. I will try to make God proud of my motives and try to be a loving and generous person. I will try to walk away from taking my will back. Realizing that I will continually fail if I don't grow more spiritually. It's a big ask. But what I'm realizing is that my addiction and mental illness are massive problems only God can solve anyway. Is sobriety a natural way of life? Honestly no. But I'm going to start where I stand looking at the true journey. This mental health thing. This being sober thing. Is solved on a daily basis if I keep the larger picture in mind. I'll try my best with a mind to give it more to than a half measure.