NOT from scratch

New job. No ScrubBestFriend. No ScrubSis. No African. No Brooklyn.

Time to grow. I clean my bathroom now. I take vitamins. Boring essential stuff.

The real work starts in my heart.

Truth: I have to hold on; and still let go.

Losing Allison feels like training wheels compared to this. Our monsters are my lifeline to her. Thank Gawd they love me back... Struggling, growing and LIVING. These two are are the reminder. Even with the+Allison-genetic-awesome-deposit; school and life after soccer still happen. And, it's hard to go through it without her. I hold on to everything Allison.

You have to BOTH hold on and still let go.

I have drafts of the hold-on-letters to ScrubSister and ScrubBestie... (They are soooo long)  I work on them late nights. I only work on them when I can't sleep. During daylight I express holding on with ScrubBestie's poetry and ScrubSister's life in SoFlo (my fam.)

I fear.

A weird fear; the shit's not SCARY. (I know rape, violence, poverty, insecurity, loneliness and being abandoned. I know objectively scary stuff.)  I now know this privilege: fear of being silent for fifteen minutes (without a hard task in front of me.)

Alcohol helps but  NOT a solution for me. I can't function while my addiction is trying to kill me. 

But somewhere on the other side of this fear. Is something. Grow-worthy?

I will clean my fukking bathroom and do laundry. I will cry on my way to work when I miss my sister. 

I'll write what happens if I actually do get to fifteen minutes.