Rejection

Rejection

My make up includes being disconnected to present emotions.  First diagnosed by addiction specialists and further affirmed by those I've shared with. I've gotten more comfortable dealing with the fact  I'm partially disassociated with my present emotional state and have to routinely take notes and then revisit to acknowledge how I was feeling in the past. 

Typically I can look back two weeks and realize what I was feeling in situations. Helpfully sometimes) I don't react in the actual situation, because I didn't realize I was hurt or insulted or angry in respond to something. I still have to deal with it. Because I Had the feelings. and the physical and mental history is in fact in me. SO the fallout is real. 

Recently we have decided that the current condo situation is untenable. I have to move and my monsters are moving back to grandma's.  

In the moment, the response is poised and positive. It's time for a change in response to the situation. As a capable person, it is no big deal. 

As I look back on the conversations with my mother, I realize how rejected I feel.  It's surprising because she isn't acting any different than the person  have learned she is. I thought I was beyond taking it personal. She is who she is; and often her actions and words belay a softer, kinder point of view I believe she acts from. 

She is probably not rejecting me. Doesn't change the hurt.

In response, I will remind myself of how much I love my mother. That I will not react to the hurt to anyone but my best friend, the African and my journal. And that every action needs to be thoughtful loving and in service of the well being of my nephews and my mom.

In that vain. I will find a new place. Save up the money i spent in Florida and move back to NYC when I have achieved some of the goals i came here originally with. I will continue my therapy. I will stay sober. I will lose some weight and work on my fitness.

I will remember that everyone in their lives try their best to stay true to themselves. and that it is completely ok her life not include me beyond civilities and kindness on the phone. 

All I have to do is figure out a way to deal with the cursing and yelling and abuse that she is  spewing at me whenever she's in my presence.