Scrub got her favorite seat

On the bus. 

The little victories make life grand.

I've started a adult job this week. I'm emerging from my bed. And I commute my favorite way, by bus. 

The next car is for my baby nephew and I've got weight goals. So... until your darling scrub is 80 pounds lighter my commute is a little long and involves walking.

The truth: I'm so heavy it is not fun to waddle to work. But other than the waddle my day couldn't be sweeter right now.

Sweet and emotional. My route takes me through spaces I remember from years ago in active addiction. I see the street folk I used to sit with when I was stranded somewhere outside drunk. I don't remember them smelling so bad. I don't remember their faces being so sad. Deep down I know the actual people from these streets are all new. The ones whose names I learned were surely taken from this earth. 

They were taken due the disease I fight every day in sobriety. 

I discover hot tears on my cheeks today, as I ride the bus back to my tiny apartment. Those women and men are gone. I should be too.

Somehow the creators of this universe gave me grace; and let me continue to have a journey.

I am grateful. 

Moved in!

In the new place.

Happy here. Living a mantra about simplicity. 

It's white. and small. Nothing extra.

No car. Everything is so close.

Focusing on work, study, and empathy.

Miss nephew, but focused on supporting his happiness in his new school.

My son is closeby; Love him for it.

Biggest challenges is hooking it up later. and finding a time to walk in this 100 degree heat.

Feel disconnected from the African, but not worrying about it.

Rejection

Rejection

My make up includes being disconnected to present emotions.  First diagnosed by addiction specialists and further affirmed by those I've shared with. I've gotten more comfortable dealing with the fact  I'm partially disassociated with my present emotional state and have to routinely take notes and then revisit to acknowledge how I was feeling in the past. 

Typically I can look back two weeks and realize what I was feeling in situations. Helpfully sometimes) I don't react in the actual situation, because I didn't realize I was hurt or insulted or angry in respond to something. I still have to deal with it. Because I Had the feelings. and the physical and mental history is in fact in me. SO the fallout is real. 

Recently we have decided that the current condo situation is untenable. I have to move and my monsters are moving back to grandma's.  

In the moment, the response is poised and positive. It's time for a change in response to the situation. As a capable person, it is no big deal. 

As I look back on the conversations with my mother, I realize how rejected I feel.  It's surprising because she isn't acting any different than the person  have learned she is. I thought I was beyond taking it personal. She is who she is; and often her actions and words belay a softer, kinder point of view I believe she acts from. 

She is probably not rejecting me. Doesn't change the hurt.

In response, I will remind myself of how much I love my mother. That I will not react to the hurt to anyone but my best friend, the African and my journal. And that every action needs to be thoughtful loving and in service of the well being of my nephews and my mom.

In that vain. I will find a new place. Save up the money i spent in Florida and move back to NYC when I have achieved some of the goals i came here originally with. I will continue my therapy. I will stay sober. I will lose some weight and work on my fitness.

I will remember that everyone in their lives try their best to stay true to themselves. and that it is completely ok her life not include me beyond civilities and kindness on the phone. 

All I have to do is figure out a way to deal with the cursing and yelling and abuse that she is  spewing at me whenever she's in my presence.

I need to post more about politics

 I waste all my genius on my best friend.

Biden is at thirty something percent approval rating.

His PR team needs to start making Him personally hand out awards to people who helped him be the best president of the last hundred years. and tout the hell out of his "helpers"

Yes. 

I said what i said.

Dude's administration is better that my future ex-husband's

Emerging

Is a lot.

Your darling Scrub spent 2 hours  dealing with her emotions.

Step Three means the good stuff too. We hand it ALL over to a higher power.

I looked up at the Rock Star. and giggled. 

Hello. I've busy running, hiding, isolating. I was too busy to check in.

But you get all of this, correct?

Years ago I went out with a filmmaker in Miami.  I think he drugged me.  I blacked out.  

I'm afraid of being successful.

I'm getting this more now.

The hidden me is worth getting to know

So your darling Scrub has been hiding.

There have been mental health stuff, weight stuff, leaving NYC stuff, sobriety stuff, love stuff.

But I woke up this morning pretty satisfied because I realized,

I HAVE been hiding; laying in my bed, sitting at my computer.

To my credit, (and everyone's disapproval,) I've been hiding in plain sight. I haven't been lying. I've been vulnerable to peoples' judgements. I have been open about my challenges. I have been listening to my thoughts good and bad.

I've been looking at the parts of me not shared with the outside. The hidden parts.

And it's been time well spent. My hidden parts are worth getting to know.

The hiding is decreasing, as I now emerge. To get healthy in body. To start dealing with folk again. I won't forget my hidden parts. 

The hidden parts inform my outward choices. I see how now.

The hidden parts are HUGE; actually make up the majority of me. I appreciate that now.

and while some of the hidden stuff is still shrouded in shame, and fear. It is much less now.

Moreover some of the hidden parts are downright romantic, idealistic, beautiful and worthy of the attention I now give them. Still, none of my hidden part are subject to public consumption.

I looked in the mirror this afternoon and I saw so much more of Scrub. Her eyes revealed a capacity for ideas, a willingness to embark, and a little mystery that was lovely. Her cheekbones rose when she smiled at herself, revealing a truly mature beautiful face.

I took my own breath away.

YAY hidden parts!!

Trying to understand the Right 2. Hear me out

 So Welcome.  Still telling his story, fasts forwards to getting arrested/sentenced to prison

He feels most horrible about just 

Realizing he's been used.

For a MAGA, that is going to be a crushing blow.

Feeling used is awful.  I have to have some compassion left with which to deal.