The hidden me is worth getting to know

So your darling Scrub has been hiding.

There have been mental health stuff, weight stuff, leaving NYC stuff, sobriety stuff, love stuff.

But I woke up this morning pretty satisfied because I realized,

I HAVE been hiding; laying in my bed, sitting at my computer.

To my credit, (and everyone's disapproval,) I've been hiding in plain sight. I haven't been lying. I've been vulnerable to peoples' judgements. I have been open about my challenges. I have been listening to my thoughts good and bad.

I've been looking at the parts of me not shared with the outside. The hidden parts.

And it's been time well spent. My hidden parts are worth getting to know.

The hiding is decreasing, as I now emerge. To get healthy in body. To start dealing with folk again. I won't forget my hidden parts. 

The hidden parts inform my outward choices. I see how now.

The hidden parts are HUGE; actually make up the majority of me. I appreciate that now.

and while some of the hidden stuff is still shrouded in shame, and fear. It is much less now.

Moreover some of the hidden parts are downright romantic, idealistic, beautiful and worthy of the attention I now give them. Still, none of my hidden part are subject to public consumption.

I looked in the mirror this afternoon and I saw so much more of Scrub. Her eyes revealed a capacity for ideas, a willingness to embark, and a little mystery that was lovely. Her cheekbones rose when she smiled at herself, revealing a truly mature beautiful face.

I took my own breath away.

YAY hidden parts!!

Trying to understand the Right 2. Hear me out

 So Welcome.  Still telling his story, fasts forwards to getting arrested/sentenced to prison

He feels most horrible about just 

Realizing he's been used.

For a MAGA, that is going to be a crushing blow.

Feeling used is awful.  I have to have some compassion left with which to deal.

Trying to understand the Right. I KNOW, but we have to try

 Okay, so I'm watching a South African Felon talk about his early days.  His name is Welcome.

The streets raised him. Gangs usurped, pushing parents' or family influences way down. Before discussing parents or family. He made it clear, the streets taught him to reject school. He was encouraged to "not be naïve." Education was a weapon to subdue him; a brainwashing tool to make him weak.  Rejecting school and education was a way to bond him to his gang. Those who did well in school were laughed at and ridiculed. It simply held no value.

True value was in hustling, getting over. That gave you relevance. People would see you in the on the corner doing your thing  and would respect you.  Not hiding inside reading, or wearing some school uniform.

If you choose education over loyalty, feeding your family, running the streets and protecting the corner, you failed as a man

Education was a weapon, not a tool of liberation.

It took him years to unlearn.

Methinks this may give insight on MAGA- folk.

Stay with me on the journey. I refuse to simply reject these people out of hand. They are too damn dangerous.

Evolution- How do I work around it?

So...okay. Those of us with addiction are battling millions of year of brain evolution. The brain is exquisitely primed to seek euphoria... and then later avoid the pain of withdrawal/or being sick. 

In my case, years ago booze got me high. Then it stopped working. I didn't get high from booze any more, but physical withdrawal created pain and seizures...  I'm essentially a slave when I'm when I'm actively drinking... chasing the memory of getting high, or running away from the nasty pain and sickness from withdrawal. 

Scientifically, brain-wise my dopamine levels are permanently fucked. Very simply -dopamine EQUALS motivation.

Moreover,  I learned, OBESITY is usually coupled with low dopamine levels, and the rare, small dopamine booster- eating; highjack our desire to calorie control; and lack of dopamine/motivation results in no physical activity/exercising...

In my case. I have no motivation to do anything: showering, working out, calling my friends, dealing with other adults, leaving my apartment, reading my mail. 

So my goals are super realistic at this point. I know I'm NOT going to be impressive to anyone else- not the Empress-Mother, the princess-Sister, my civilian very accomplished friends...

I'm going to watch my ability to overcome my lack of motivation. one thing at a time.  Right now it's going to be going to work, listening to music and walking for 10 minutes.

Not sure how long I'm going to keep this goal. at this moment, it seems IMPOSSIBLE. 

I certainly don't feel like it. and I'm aware my deficient brain won't let me FEEL better as a result. But I know it will BE better. 

I will learn to accept it. This is me moving forward. 

This, for your Darling Scrub, along with Sobriety, is success.

Priorities

The African has done something I don't like.

EH... It happens. I love him, so today I'm dealing.

Not true. I'm deliberately ignoring.

Why? Because I have priorities.  I have sobriety, weight loss, exercise, a new campaign at work and the rest... monsters to take care of, and friends to start calling back on a regular schedule.

I will take care of that, BEFORE I stress about jealousy and resentment.

I'll also write a new essay and go back to law school.

Figure out a away to solve the world's addiction problems and love love love everyone who I'm not resenting.  

I'm going to be the light. not fight with my boyfriend. 

I can't help it if he's an idiot.