Leave me behind

We've got rich-beautiful-smart-put-together-folk in my family.  I'm not that one.

I'm going to get you through the hard stuff.

I'm the aunt you ask for money because you know, I'll give it to you and not ask why.

I'm also not the aunt you ask for tons of money because I never have a ton

I'm the one that moved to NYC in a dress and flip-flops

I don't have a gorgeous SoFlo-DC-Vancouver place.

I don't bother with decoration at home

I'll leave my job and come take care of monsters because I love them. 

I'll buy them a car so they can visit their Mom, who they love.

I'll sit with you every weekend after Bestie dies because I love you.

I'll sit with you through cancer because cancer sucks.

I'll sit with you if you are scared you get high too much

I'm the one who will sit with you when you are sick.

I'm the one who will sit with you when someone is dying.

We'll play spades because it's necessary

I'm not going to throw the grand party at my crib.

the house isn't going to be clean. and that's a problem.

I'll help you with the college essays to get you into Lincoln

I'll watch Attack on Titans

I'll buy you a car.

I'll read Neece Harry Potter in the nursing home.

But after I've gotten you through this  hard stuff.

There are other more put-together aunts and uncles that you will love and take advice from.

For the fancy and ceremonial and elite stuff. Don't look back.

Don't worry that you don't seek me anymore.

Don't look back.

Look to the rich uncles and aunts to give the things I can't.

I know I gave the things they couldn't.

I love you.

Leave me behind.

The Journey

Dealing with impending death, death and after death. 

You stop contemplating "what does life mean?" The bigger answer becomes obvious. 

Answer: What happens BEFORE your life and AFTER your life are infinitely more important than this journey in between.  

The problem? Your dear sweet Scrub never asked the question. I don't know what the question is.

Why? Your Scrub is self-centered, emotional, hurt and full of love and rage, I'm totally engaged in this living part. I never took time to consider the above bigger question. Moreover, this living thing is so contradictory; or am I the one that has schizophrenia?

The only thing that matters is the present. Encyclopedic knowledge of the past is essential. The building the future is the raison d'etre of now. Legacy is the most important. Your ancestors are most important. Creating a baby is the most important. You must serve yourself with your time. You must serve others with your time. You must compel others to serve you. You need connection with others. Fuck connection with others. people's notions of you are the best way to evaluate yourself. Your own notion of yourself is the only thing that matters. You are the center of the universe. You are the least important thing in the universe. God is inside you. The devil is inside you. Seeking a personal relationship with God is the only worthwhile journey. Deities are fallacies. Everything is temporary. Everything is permanent. You are in control of << fill in the blank>>. You are powerless. Conquer your power/powerlessness. Surrender to your power/powerlessness. You are a victim. You are an abuser. Self examination is the way to know your truth. Your brain is the most dangerous place on earth, don't trust it, pay a professional. Changemakers are the best. Disruptors are the best. Diplomacy is best. The biggest jails are the physical boundaries around us. The biggest jails are the systems of oppression. The biggest jails are the ones between our ears. 

Don't get me started on the "value of emotions"... I will not. Is magic real? I will not. What is love?Nope. What place does money have in life? What is happiness? What does it mean to have peace? Is having a partner essential?   

Moreover, pile on top of that, I'm legally trained. I can make the argument for any position. 

Clearly, what you hang your hat on. the hill you are willing to die on shouldn't rely on your whim, convenience; or which client walks into your office and pays you...

I'm going to give myself a break tomorrow and study Blockchain. You know.

Something comparably light. Because when we finally make contact with aliens, National Central Banks and Fiat currencies are gonna collapse and THEN whaddawegonnado with the useless numbers on our Bank of America app?