There is something... I almost have it

 There is a revelation-discovery-insight- goal-mission- desire- motivation-need- like- love

thing that is about to happen. It's right around the corner

I'm opening up to embrace it, It's gonna be good for me.

this thing that is for me. 

God. ignore my anxious manner,

Disregard my fear and apprehension.

It's probably not bad news, it's probably good.

I think there is creativity behind it. I think there is energy behind it.

I'm absolutely sure there is Love in it.

I can take it.

8 pounds down

 Coffee and Kale are the ideal.

But I had pasta yesterday.

Onward Ho!!

Over being heavy.

Self Worth- it's an issue

 Okay so here is the definitive writing on self worth and your scrub.

1. my history with the topic-  Many a professional has declared i have a self worth issue. I rejected it because I am a capable, beautiful, person.
2. acceptance- I now accept it. There is evidence.. a person with Self worth doesn't behave in this self destructive manner.
3. my therapist gave me an assignment- What is self worth? Similar to self esteem Self worth is the knowledge/conviction that the self is a worthy person. Worthy of what? Who knows- I guess it's knowing you are worthy of whatever you deem important.
4. behavior and motivation- my dilemma- Self worth is displayed by behaviors. self care, generosity.

Does that lead to the bigger issue. I think my ultimate desire is to have MOTIVATION, to want to be clean, healthy, kind, sober, smart, disciplined and creative. I want to live a life where I blissfully FEEL like doing all the things a healthy genius gorgeous kind human does.

is that realistic?   I note it may not be. Feelings aren't Facts. Feelings are unreliable and fleeting.

There is a whole fake-it-til-you-make-it-thing.  Will adopting the behaviors create a genuine desire for this qualities? Or, is maintaining the behaviors to closest thing you have to it?

Happiness- do I pursue happiness through behaviors and discipline? 

Love- Do I pursue love by behaving like a loving person?  

Peace- do I pursue peace by meditation and acts of surrender?

Do I obtain a genuine relationship with God, by seeking it through Prayer and worship and good works?

Is the real thing attainable for Scrub? The behaviors are attainable i know that. 

and I definitely want the behaviors. so maybe I give up on this emotional need thing.

Smarter people have the answer.

But right now I'm going to contemplate giving up on the emotional goal. Being active, present, and  thin will lead me to feel better in all sorts of ways....

So my immediate goal is to begin behaviors that demonstrate self worth.  

The ultimate goal is to feel worthy of what? What is important. 

LIFE-  

Damn. I was suicidal.

I'm just realizing that. 

I'm HUGE

 So i'm sooooooo Fat.

At my heaviest 247 was 7 pounds ago. When i started therapy.

So one of the ways I want to get better is to loose a bunch of weight.

I fantasize about the easiest way to do it. Develop a eating disorder.

I don't like Bulimia, i threw up everyday i was drinking.. enough og that for a lifetime.

I like Anerexia. Food making me feel disgusted. and  getting off on not eating.

How to do i do that?  I honestly would love that. Unfortunately i've learned that's linked to control issues. and of all my crazy. Not a control freak.

So that beautifully elegant answer will probably elude me.

I think i'll become more social thin. i don't like living up to the heavy black woman stereotype. It's so cliche and I'm not cliche

So my weight is probably tied to my lack of self worth.

If I love myself I would take care of my body, or at least be motivated to take care of my body.

I  have lost twenty pounds before. My bff set me on a diet. 

I'm actually pretty confident i can actually lose the weight. if I drink the requisite amount of water and vinegar. drink my coffee black. no grains after 2pm and eat Kale eveyday; I should be able to lose a pound a day.

I've done it before. 

It's a behavior that will reflect self care. Just like this blog and going to therapy and going to work every day and reading books and creating more work and writing.

 

Brooklyn to Ft Lauderdale

 My sister is sick, pschysophrenia. She has abused my mother and her two children a year ago I left Brooklyn to come to Ft Lauderdale and take care of the children.

A lot to unpack here. But right now I'll address ScrubJunior and ScrubJuniorette. I left them in the care of my estranged husband in 2005 while at one of my bottoms. i left them and moved to florida to continue drinking for 15 years.

Neglected them; barely saw them, and didn't care for them for a decade. 

I got sober 5 years ago. I went to NYC to live. I got sober there. My children and I reconnected by phone and Zelle.  I love them now as I didn't before. I neglected them when they needed a mother and they love me and took me back into their lives. Despite what I did to them.

Seeing the Monsters, and caring for them make me confront feelings vis a vis my own children and the  harm I caused them. I can't go back and give them a mother. 

How can I make it up to them?  I don't know. The only realistic solution I've come up with is to be available now. I want to be a part of their healing if I can.

Talking about them is the one thing that brings uncontrollable tears and that physical pain you get when you realize you are one of the most abhorrent people on the planet. A mother who left their children.

The topic came up yesterday speaking with my mother. in a conversation about music, she asked what i do when I'm sad.

Me: Make a gratitude list. (truth: I don't feel sad, I don't feel much) The only thing that makes me sad is thinking about the pain I've caused the ScrubOffspring; I never cheer myself up when i feel it. 

(to myself: I don't deserve a reprieve from that pain.)

My visit to DC and Phily Has me feeling all kinda ways....

 Two years since my friend past away.

Why am I acting like i'm the one whose dead. 

My therapist suggested i eliminate all "should statements" so i will rephrase

It's a good idea to take a shower every day

It's a good idea to lose 100 pounds

It's a good idea to go to meeting in person

It's was a good idea to read my sisters book a LONG time ago

It's a good idea to be physically active

It's a good idea to take my medication everyday

It's a good idea to read instead of netflix and youtube

It's a good idea to develop a reading list

I'm alive with a tremendous support system

It's a good idea to start the creative work again

it's a good idea to get a more rigourous job

it's a good idea to start not from scratch again

it's a good idea to write again

The road from a massive depression is long.