Self Worth- it's an issue

 Okay so here is the definitive writing on self worth and your scrub.

1. my history with the topic-  Many a professional has declared i have a self worth issue. I rejected it because I am a capable, beautiful, person.
2. acceptance- I now accept it. There is evidence.. a person with Self worth doesn't behave in this self destructive manner.
3. my therapist gave me an assignment- What is self worth? Similar to self esteem Self worth is the knowledge/conviction that the self is a worthy person. Worthy of what? Who knows- I guess it's knowing you are worthy of whatever you deem important.
4. behavior and motivation- my dilemma- Self worth is displayed by behaviors. self care, generosity.

Does that lead to the bigger issue. I think my ultimate desire is to have MOTIVATION, to want to be clean, healthy, kind, sober, smart, disciplined and creative. I want to live a life where I blissfully FEEL like doing all the things a healthy genius gorgeous kind human does.

is that realistic?   I note it may not be. Feelings aren't Facts. Feelings are unreliable and fleeting.

There is a whole fake-it-til-you-make-it-thing.  Will adopting the behaviors create a genuine desire for this qualities? Or, is maintaining the behaviors to closest thing you have to it?

Happiness- do I pursue happiness through behaviors and discipline? 

Love- Do I pursue love by behaving like a loving person?  

Peace- do I pursue peace by meditation and acts of surrender?

Do I obtain a genuine relationship with God, by seeking it through Prayer and worship and good works?

Is the real thing attainable for Scrub? The behaviors are attainable i know that. 

and I definitely want the behaviors. so maybe I give up on this emotional need thing.

Smarter people have the answer.

But right now I'm going to contemplate giving up on the emotional goal. Being active, present, and  thin will lead me to feel better in all sorts of ways....

So my immediate goal is to begin behaviors that demonstrate self worth.  

The ultimate goal is to feel worthy of what? What is important. 

LIFE-  

Damn. I was suicidal.

I'm just realizing that.