Brooklyn to Ft Lauderdale

 My sister is sick, pschysophrenia. She has abused my mother and her two children a year ago I left Brooklyn to come to Ft Lauderdale and take care of the children.

A lot to unpack here. But right now I'll address ScrubJunior and ScrubJuniorette. I left them in the care of my estranged husband in 2005 while at one of my bottoms. i left them and moved to florida to continue drinking for 15 years.

Neglected them; barely saw them, and didn't care for them for a decade. 

I got sober 5 years ago. I went to NYC to live. I got sober there. My children and I reconnected by phone and Zelle.  I love them now as I didn't before. I neglected them when they needed a mother and they love me and took me back into their lives. Despite what I did to them.

Seeing the Monsters, and caring for them make me confront feelings vis a vis my own children and the  harm I caused them. I can't go back and give them a mother. 

How can I make it up to them?  I don't know. The only realistic solution I've come up with is to be available now. I want to be a part of their healing if I can.

Talking about them is the one thing that brings uncontrollable tears and that physical pain you get when you realize you are one of the most abhorrent people on the planet. A mother who left their children.

The topic came up yesterday speaking with my mother. in a conversation about music, she asked what i do when I'm sad.

Me: Make a gratitude list. (truth: I don't feel sad, I don't feel much) The only thing that makes me sad is thinking about the pain I've caused the ScrubOffspring; I never cheer myself up when i feel it. 

(to myself: I don't deserve a reprieve from that pain.)