Ok Ok. Sooo there is LEARNING after DEALING WITH

 After HAVING.

The feelings.

My daily reflections kicked my ass on the heals of this jealousy thing.

Spiritual axiom: "Every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us" also tells us there are no exceptions.  Whoever is upsetting me most is my best teacher. I have much to learn from him or her, and in my heart I should thank that person.

SO at this moment of course, it's the platonic friend and the CongoMan. at the realest level it's MYSELF and GOD.

Yikes. so I should probably not be mad at the Rockstar.  The ME thing... well of course. and there are lessons from the predatory woman, I mean Platonic Friend.

Progress not perfection... alright?

I'll pray for the tramp, I mean, Platonic what's-her-name.

Back to LEARNING.   SO...... Jealousy is ugly and nasty stuff. I used to look down my nose at the pathetic slubs acting out on it. It's all consuming and it hurts. i can see why folk are driven to crazy actions.  I have more compassion for those sufferring with it now.

So dealing with feelings, I guess THAT is what goes after you have them?

My default is to ignore feelings, drink them away, and lash out reflectively-  harmfully to change the exterior until I'm comforted.

If it's minor I let myself think about it, Then I speak with best friend.  may turn to the Rockstar briefly. If it's still sitting there  I eat.

Still there? Next, manipulate the person I associate with it.

In this case it's CongoMan. I'm jealous he's going out with a platonic friend whose in love with him.

So far: (a) manipulation-- I've accepted the friendship; because your Scrub is sooo evolved. I'm a big better than most person.  Thank you. (b) Spoke to Best friend (c) I've eaten (d) smoked too many cigarettes (e) I've made amends: Your Scrub is projecting.  I cheated on him and can't accept the "platonic." (f) Looked over a daily devotional. October 6 is "Be willing to follow wherever I lead, anticipation quickening your pace" (g) glanced at the Saint Francis Prayer on my wall. I start off bad then it gets worse. I'm failing in everything after "Oh divine Master" 

My status today is so far gone, methinks it's worthy of  annotation

O Divine Master -- Sorry it's been so long since I've look up to the sky, praying to be transformed

Console instead of being consoled- Whut? Um, ALL of my actions seek to being consoled!! It's like my raison etre. Best friend, manipulation, eating, etc... Your Scrub should seek someone to console instead. And although I have offered to console the platonic friend. the motive sucked.

Understand instead of being understood. Ooh boy. The problem is EVERYONE understands. it's pretty clear I'm being green and insecure. but I've been trying to talk the universe into understanding it's not jealousy, but intuition. and CongoMan is the one who doesn't understand because HE's being manipulated by this treacherous beast. I should seek to understand he truly wants to help her, she really needs a friend and sobriety and all that.....

To Love instead of being loved. Hard to accept- But LOVE is service. LOVE is ACTION. the first is not to rob poor CongoMan's peace. he deserves a damn break. and respect enough that he can navigate his own friendships. and if his love is service to a friend in need. Did i mention the poor woman is a wreck, she's had cancer, not sober, some kind of sexual deviant, and has honestly loved CongoMan for like a million years? Love that he's that kind of guy. Stop being small. and find someone to love. in action.

For it is giving we receive. So give the man a break. Give Best Friend a break, he's sick of hearing about it. Find a way to give. Your Scrub will probably feel better for it.

It is pardoning that we are pardoned. Forgive her. She's hurting. and Hurt people hurt people. 

And it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. This isn't even killing me, but i can make the corollation. Stop being petty and dramatic. toughen up on this on and you will live on to fight bigger more meaningful fights.

List of todo's from St Francis.   Find someone to console. Meditation might lead to understanding. Grow up. Get a lesson in forgiveness. Love through action. Surviving this tiny death with make you a BEAST for a later fight and help you live forever. 

So back to apply the beginning half of the prayer. Rockstar use me as you will. 

Where there is hatred find love, I kinda hate this feeling of jealousy, but there is love in wanting a sister in addiction to get better. and if CongoMan is a friend. we all need friends. Thank God for Best Friend.

Where there is injury, Pardon. you feel injured. Forgive her and him and yourself for being so small.

Maybe... forgiving myself for the little things will lead to forgiving myself for my children

Where there is doubt, faith. CongoMan loves you and is faithful to you. Have faith in his choices, respect his ability to be an adult.

Where there is despair hope. I'm sure this applies. because this feeling is quite toxic. Certainly there is despair in here... I'm hopeful that i can be better.

Where there is darkness, light. Be the light- Search for ways to erase the dark temptations, Scrub.

Where there is Sadness, Joy.  It's PAYDAY tomorrow. so much damn joy!!!  Whoo hoo.