Coming to terms with feelings again

A list:

1. I miss Monster. I'm so proud of him. I wish I took the advice i give him. I give it with such clarity and confidence. I KNOW these things will help him. I should take my advice and meditate, continue to work hard and remember the soft things that make us better. Don't beat yourself up monster. What you are doing is incredible.

2. Taking time to think. makes things clear.

3. God is there for me. He has answered the prayer to make me want the relationship with her better.

4. In a quiet time, my body took despite of me, I realized my part in my own crazy behavior that is causing a problem with my relationship with Congo man. I trust him. and I realized the ONLY thing he has ever lied to me about is the woman I'm jealous of. I have pushed and pushed to edge out the truth. and yes. I was correct about her feelings for Congoman. But I've lied to him in the past. And i have to make amends for that. I need to make amends for this too.

The words that might have comforted me are "regardless of her feelings for me, I have a platonic relationship with this woman."  He's entitled to his privacy and he's entitled to his friendships and he's entitled to my absolute trust. And I'm not entitled to perfect words, uttered by him scripted by me.

I think a poem is a good idea. I should write a truthtelling poem. Like the one the girl wrote about anxiety.

5. I had a dream last night that I ran three miles and it was fun! I felt so good about it and I was healthy. I felt amazing in my body without looking in the mirror. in all of the dreams I remember I look and see an amazing body. but I never remember feeling this good. walking today is happening. I love that is a reality. I think it's my future.

Next steps- walk with Bestfriend. Talk to CongoMan. Clean my own house until next payday.

Make a grocery list. Let fifteen minutes go by ALONE.  Keep trying to be just alone. Be nice to myself. 

Back to #2-- More feelings and thoughts and elegant solutions will come from being alone with my thoughts. it's not easy and why the answers scare me? that answer is probable at a few hours alone. 

i remember times when being alone was the only way to get through something hard. Writing my law school essay. Studying for my LSAT with an old book. The night before the con-law final. Learning to create a closing argument for the first time, with a book, a lecture room and some dry erase markers.  Writing my first spoken word poem in Napttown to perform. Writing and research for my first oral argument. Reading a book in the middle of the night. Preparing to speak at a meeting on a step. Each of those things took minutes, a small number of hours. 

My thoughts combined with time, produces. My history of sabotage is extensive. The one thing it has done better than any other is limit my time alone. 

I'm scared of me, I run from time, sober, awake, quiet. I fill my time with TV, I fill my time with sleep and cough medicine and kava and yelling and arguments and confrontation and mess... fear. I arrange study groups i always carry my phone or even the TV. 

Even into the abthroom with me, i make myself drunk with food or distraction. i will do anything to get away from being alone.

How long have i known that it is extraordinary?  That answer will come. My intution tells me there are other answers other questions that might surface before that.

the nature of this knowledge. Are all the answers within? have i been walking around them? How long.

how did they get here. those answers may be hours away. 

What happens when I'm alone? I've had past successes; I've simply gone to a quiet place and pointed myself in a general direction. I didn't have the questions formulated. the answers just manifest, through notes and drawings and circles and arrows drawn out in front, chaotic. then they put themselves in order.... I studied the work and practiced a little.  I don't know if study is the correct word. or practice.

Do I need to understand why I sabotage? Probably not yet. I probably do need courage to face it. Is the fear and anxiety something to erase? Not now. they are probably part of the elegant process. They may exist to kill me, but they may exist to help. Everything is there.

I'm going to be quiet and point in the general direction.

God help me.

please.  

Do I need to present my work? After realizing my thoughts on Monster and Congoman, I felt a compulsion to call Congo man, Best Friend, Mom. i felt compelled in a reactionary way to the present my work. partly as a way to make it real, but also in a way to run away from further thought.

tell someone and masturbate in the accomplishment. for affirmation from outside and to RUN from further thought.

that is probably what I was giving into at the beginning of this post. to go back and sit in prior thought instead of sitting there further. I kept the Netflix playing, on bad tv. 

I would have stopped after the list. I would have had a beverage and tried to sleep with Netflix playing.

I feel tired now.

I'm going to stop typing. I'm going to sit for a few more minutes in no particular direction. I'm scared. I don't want to stop typing I am afraid of what will come next. I will give my self a cigarette. I will let my self hide after a few minutes.

My friend Allison loved to be alone. Everyone in my fellowship hates it. That uncomfortable feeling.