Just all kinds of diets

Who me life was so full of interesting deprivation?

Food
Laziness
Money
Work
Exercise
Studying
Buying things
Prayer
Social media
Politics

Whether in action or points of view, your darling scrub has to make adjustments. Make ones

So I don't feel like I'm spinning wheels.

So I'm not winded when I go up the s stairs..

So I don't fill a bus seat.

So I can make love to my boyfriend

I'm lonely

It's curious. Because I like to be alone. I have an amazing African. I don't spend enough time calling my family.

My best friend called last night.

Didn't pick up. Well I was asleep so I'll forgive my self for that.

But yeah. I don't have time for the people I have, yet I'm lonely.

Self sabotage

I self sabotage

I need to figure out how to stop screwing myself out of success.

Seriously.

So my history is, well at least part of it.

Marriage could have figured out how to save it... Well could have, that one is questionable

Teaching career. Drank away
Children. Ran away
Law school. Drank away
Hudson. Drank away
Law school again. Drank away.
Relationship
Relationship
Relationship

Sobriety.
Family
My body. Easy too fat. I keep on eating!!

My eating.

Finding a way to be unsuccessful at endeavors. That my creator blessed me with the aptitude,  opportunity, space, and context to be wildly successful.

Now it's my African. My children. My job. My sobriety. My body.

Self sabotage had kinda started.

To start with I'm going launch injury prayer.

Lord help me. Hear my plea.

Heal the part. Fix the way in broken that prevents me from doing the right thing and attaining the success I may have.

Thank you with the mind to even ask for these things. L protect me from the devil that wants to keep me from you and my fellow human beings and goodness kindness intelligence and more.

Amen

So yeah.... My African is recording me

Dealing with the fact in a weird way.

Well, it's a weird thing.

Deserve it, kinda. But here's the thing.

No one deserves that.

Gratitude

Thank you Creator

It's amazing how you have given me the opportunity to build a career. Amazing!!!

And school is a gift. Not a burden.

Thank you for the chance to learn something wonderful and difficult and challenging and NOT dangerous!

Hey it's the little things too.

Thank you for being so bright!

Pun intended

I'm blessed. Amen

Building. For the life I'm building.

One thing the last year has taught me.

Articulation is real

Motives are major

I'm in pursuit of a life that god wants me to live, that really comes down to motive.

The trappings that come along are a matter of articulation.

Having a soul that is pleasing to God. Means one who is communication with him. One who loves like he does. Treats people well. And kinda live in gratitude

That's less about what you do and more about why we do it.

More on that later because some things have to be about what you do.

Like loving my African, the monsters... You know.

But I'm also needing to articulate the space I'm going to live in.

Urban, warehouse open, high ceilings, communal, spacious, in the city, drive the car in. Have a trampoline, industrial kitchen. Luxury bath I actually use, gabled roof

Faith mission building is a great visual.

Skylights. Massive ones.

My African's advice

Pray.

Pray for discernment.

Things we need to do correctly.

I'm scared of you.

Someone who could do that, could kill me.

You hurt me. You betrayed me.

I had you bugged little girl. I saw you.

Making huge mistakes

Yeah.

So I haven't always been a perfect person.

The kind of mistakes I'm making with my African seem to be the same.

Well, of the same vain and I'm so horrible that anytime I try to ignore it, passify it.

Whatever it.

I get busted.

My man is surveiling me. Now I can't trust him.

He can't trust me.

And how the hell am I supposed to fix that?

I love him.

Crap.

Nice job Scrub.

So i don't want to change

I want him to.

How do I get out of this dilemma?

Problem: I'm starved for affection.

He loves me like crazy.

Not affectionate.

I'm getting resentful because he wants to have sex all the time.

I'm turned off by the idea of being treated like something someone uses the bathroom on.

Not that he tries to do that...

Something crazy, Yo!

Good morning!! It's women's international day! Holy mackerel! This day was made for us!  I almost feel sorry for anyone with without a global point of view or a penis!!!

Do something crazy!!

Quote of the day

"the best way to get what you want is to be so miserable, you don't want any of it anymore"

My prayer

"Rockstar. Thank you for waking me up, in a great place. It's pretty incredible you made me like you in some areas, I appreciate that. I have a few things on my mind and in my heart. Thanks in advance for helping me out. (Insert my requests for friends, family, situations I don't like, shortcomings, character defects,  I don't forget my angry Puerto Rican! Goals aspirations) Rockstar, I'm coming to you with these.  You're the one that actually makes all the moving parts move in synergy. I love you. Amen"

So there's someone who wants to

Pay me, for. Well sex.

That's not the worst part. That's the part that makes it mildly interesting. The sucky part is that he's a friend who obviously is not my friend.

But who was a friend for two decades. We've grown a part but I've loved the guy forever.

He was part of my American Life.

My current guy thinks I'm not being fair now. My mood is altered. I can't tell which way is up..

My boss made me cry yesterday. Not really, but I cried. That was real, just don't know exactly why.

Fast forward

So. That post was written and shelved for a week.

I was/am kinda a wreck. I've been in tears more times then I care to imagine. Being kind of rectify with myself my African my sponsor.

So who has been one of my mooring posts? Tycoon himself.

Yup. Has been making me feel better. In that matter of fact way that is awesome. And always has been for ever.
Tycoon