I reconnect ed with my best friend

Feel so grateful

I

I don't like to be with me

I avoid me

Lord please help me

I eat to escape
I sleep to escape
I drink coffee to escape

I drink vodka to escape.

Self worth. Is that it?

I don't want to use food or cigarettes or sleep or sex to escape me.

I have to start liking being me.

Because as I get victory over the negative thinks I do to myself.

Overeating, sleeping,

I'm staying away everything there only one thing left.

Scrub.

Lord, please help me acceptance.

If there's nothing e wrong

Why?
Good why do I feel this way?

If the African n isn't doing anything...
And even if this woman wants my man.
Which she probably is just toying with him.

Why am I hanging onto this feeling.

If I'm the only one feeling like shit.

And if my man loves me and if he's as good and wants to help people.

Why am I holding onto this?

Yes it stinks.
Yes it's inappropriate
Yes he should stop sponsoring her

But he's not.
And why do I feel...

Hurt
Angry
Betrayed
Cheated on?

Why do I feel rejected?

Why do I feel, and push this into something bigger
Horrible

If it's really nothing. What is she wrong with me?

Am I looking for a reason to drop him?
Why do I want this guy to get a job, but feel scared that when he does he will leave?

Why do I feel like he'll go out and find someone?

Why can't I feel c lose to him and improve our horrible sex life?

Is it just me. Ego. Controlling.

Is it because I'm fat?
Why am I so devastated by this?

Because there is something wrong.

And our relationship might not survive this.

And I have resentments.

I miss my meeting. I miss my friends.

Jumbled

This situation

I'm feeling jumbled.

He doesn't kiss me.
We don't have an adequate sex life
I don't feel sexy
I feel fat
I've been told I have no self worth
I'm an alcoholic

I'm jealous of time the African sounds with this girl

He wants to help people

He needs to help her

I betrayed him with my x a year ago

That was the biggest mistake of my life

He doesn't see or feel a problem

I can't go to a meeting where she is there

Her texts and phonecalls and greetings hell any interactions are not welcome.

I want to be godly

I want to be a good person

I want to embrace women

Maybe I'll feel better thinner

I want ice cream

It really shows me how sick i am

That I put myself in a self imposed hell
This month

I made mountains out of molehills.
And was abusive to people around me.

Was a slighted? Of course. But I'm looking back and s3ing how much of it was weirdly an exaggeration of a circumstance on order to get something very basic from someone.

Love.

Or the expression of it. Anyway.

And that is unfair.

I owe some ammends .

Feelings are not facts

But it hurts when you feel rejected.

And it's worse when I am helping in my own rejections!

Half the things actually happen. No doubt. But the past that we react to it the past we completely make up.

I made up most of my most recent cray cray with the African.

The truth is he loves and respects me.

The truth is I was so jealous and insecure I created a whole other woman situation with very little help.

It was dramatic and painful. And horrible.
It made uncomfortable at the place where I'm supposed to be the safest.

And the devil sure uses those shortcomings to make you almost fuck everything up.

I was the devil's palything this month.

I have to be honest. If I was where I was supposed to be. Even people doing things to you shouldn't be able to completely destroy you.

So I felt it all. The anger and tell fear and tell self loathing and the fear of abandonement.

It put me in a place where I didn't feel loved.

When the thruth is. God loves me and I'm the mist blessed person on this planet.

So it's time to read and think and pray that God removes the shortcomings.

Fear jeaously envy possessiveness guilt.

Feelings of inadequacy. Laziness manipulative Ness. Obsession. Anger and meaness.

Hate and fear. Diapmfuat and selfishness.

All play apart in my cray cray.

Judgemental Ness too. And dishonest.

Loneliness and sorrow. Tears and yelling and being closemindedness to others plight.

Arorgance. Conceit. Pride and ego

Laziness and not thinking of others. Fat.

God doesn't do anything for laughs

Well not stuff like this.

I'm heartbroken.

I'm crying on the train

Again

There is no way to win tonight

An argument will be fatal

I can't sleep

I love the African even though, I think it's ridiculous to let this bullshit continue

But it's his bullshit

I'm not standing in the way of someone's sobriety.

No one's.

Not hers.
Not his.
Not ever

Is there a way to stop a resentment that you feel boiling into your heart and mind.

Is there a way to stop feeling?

Just for a moment. I want to stop feeling.

I want to sleep.
Sleep is illusive.
I want to let go

Of all of the crazy heartbeat action that is going on in my s chest

I'd like to be reasonable.
And sane

Because I made the choice not to break up over this.
It is the right choice

Ending things would not make me feel one but better.

I would feel better.... Shit I don't even know.

I know that there isn't anything he could say to make me feel better.

I don't there's nothing I can tell myself to make me feel better.

I think I should pray some more.

Why the fuck is he sponsoring her?!!

Day number two.

Holy mackerel do I feel better.

I ate too much. But ate good stuff.

Went to bed early. Woke up early, thanks to the African. On my way to work on time.

Feeling quite amazing.

So I get another day. To show my gratitude for being alive and well and thriving in Gotham.

What should I eat today.

Had coffee. Having fruit. Salad with chicken. Prune juice. Water

Need more water.

And I'll have veggies and sardines later tonight if I'm still hungry.

Last night I didn't have beneighs, or pie.

My cheats? Oreos and a little chocolate.

Yay! Today will be fab!

Thank you God. For your grace.

I don't deserve it, but I'm so happy to have it.

Love love love.