Friday January 16th reflection

 The AA program is more about building a new way of living rather than just getting over drinking. For it isn't the ability to put down the drink that is the problem but staying stopped. I wish that were true for me. My experience is that is is tremendously difficult to stop. When I relapsed it was only medical attention that could get me to physically halt pouring vodka into my body. It is a divne miracle to both stop and stay stopped but I understand what the writer was saying. To stay stopped is even harder. And to this point I haven't been successful at that. I've relapsed repeatedly. And to be truthful I don't know what makes this time different. I am no more motivated today than on my last dozen sober dates. And mentally I'm tired. I'm depressed and not good company. I'm lazy and unmotivated. I'm unreliable and selfish. I have people that love me who I do not love sufficiently in return. I'm no better a person and I'm weaker. I'm not as courageous and optimistic. And I'm scared. The good hung is that God doesn't require a requisite amount of strength or goodness or optimism to work in my life. He made me. He loves me. He is concerned about my well-being. He is willing to bless me. He is willing to make me better. Thank God that is all I have to realize and try to hold onto. He will do the heavy lifting. Maybe he'll make me stronger. I do know that he gave me today and a mouth to say thank you with. I can try to be kind and good to someone today. I can try to smile at someone and be helpful or at least do no harm to them. Who knows what the day will bring. I have a feeling that he'll help me build the way of living. My prayer today is that I'll make it though the day and be of a little service. God hold all of us today. It will be a good day.