Sunday January 18th Reflection

 I'm building a new life yes. Because I've recently hit a bottom. I have no choice but to rebuild. I might as well try to have a healthy life for the first time. There are remnants of Nicole Rose I want to keep. But I probably won't be able too. The realization that I may have to be a brand new person is heartbreaking. I've lived along time with the old Nicole. I'd be dishonest if I asserted I wasn't scared of being brand new. I don't actually like and respect most people. There are few people I admire and I don't feel like I want to be anyone I know. There are ideas I enjoy, unfortunately I was a drunk. But there were things I liked. The realization I have to give her up makes me sad. That's the truth. But I was also never truly happy or peaceful or free... I don't know those things. I see people that appear to be those things. They don't actually appeal to me. But the program says that's what I'm supposed to want. In  the new life I'm pursuing, I guess that's what God has for me. I'm supposed to want it. I'm following directions and pursuing these noble things prescribed for a fulfilling life. In my present there leaves so much to be desired I don't mind. It doesn't make me excited. But the idea of leaving this laziness and this absence of energy and inability to enjoy is good. I'm motivated to move a way from these things in the second half of my life. I'm willing to have this happiness, peace, freedom. It's what a sober life is offering. I will move towards it. I mean we have to move toward something if I'm leaving old Nicole behind. I am looking forward knowing the Rockstar. The pursuit of that seems life worthy. Along the way I will be of service and fulfill a purpose of helping others. That is noble as well. The begining of the reading prescribed it can't happen all at once. These things must come slowly because it's our brain itself that gets reprogrammed in the process. My prayer today is for acceptance of complete change. That what God wants for me is better than anything I can up with, so it's worth giving Nicole Rose up. I can build a foundation of sobriety for my life. With God's help. Relying that what he wants for me is better. Wiser. Than what I could ever want for myself.