January 20th Reflection

 Yes. Two important points. First, I didn't have fun drinking. I don't have a sexy drunkalog with drinking as a social elixir that made life fun and attractive and a feeling of belonging. I drank alone to withdraw and sleep. The last five years before I got sober in 2017 I drank to avoid being sick. The last relapse led to six hospital trips including two to the ICU, a detox and five months of treatment for addiction, depression and Bi Polar disorder. 

Secondly, I don't need to be convinced. When I started on this journey I chose to accept the theories and conclusions presented in the book and these readings. The journey necessarily involves accepting things I otherwise wouldn't.  It may concerning  and terrifying I'm not enthusiastic about these assertions. If the requirement is I enthusiastically believe them, well that's a different matter. But I'm not enthusiastic about anything.  

Honesty demands I be clear of where I am. I'm leaning in as if they were laws that will govern how I build. Truthfully I'm not turned on by them. I do have a desire to stop drinking. I am following the program. I'm listening. I'm reading. I'm praying for God to do for me what I don't have the battery to do for myself. I'm exhausted. I'm scared this disease will kill me. It WILL if I do not do this correctly. I'm leaning in to a spiritual relationship with the Rockstar. I'm praying for change. I'm following directions. I'm grateful I'm alive. I'm not strong. But I'm optimistic and things are getting better. Honest, Open and Willing. Those are the instructions. I am honest. I am open. I am willing. I have been blessed with another chance by God. The Rockstar made me. The Rockstar is concerned about me. The Rockstar loves me. 

My sponsor says that my writing reflects a lack of program. So I will increase my program.  I know how to perform. I know all the sober words. I'm not performing  sober acting words in these reflections. I will not lie in my own journal. I am going to be truthful and if that means I have to do many more assignments, alright. I'll do them to my capacity. That's what I'm doing. 

My prayer today. God thank you for life. Carry me. Change me. Help me. Heal me. Today's journey is better than the horrible days drinking. Help me be kind to others, generous with my people, and of some kind of service.It will be a good day