It's 4am and I'm compelled to eat

Yup.
But I'm being abstinent from
White sugar
White flour flour
I'm eating three times a day and two snacks

I haven't been doing well

But tonight I must conquer.

This is going to be harder than I thought.

So what can you do instead of eat?

In that moment. In that hour.

I smoked a cigarette.
I texted my friend Napkins
I watched tv.
I'm writing this

I through out a prayer.
Kind of of desparation.

I'm trying to clear my mind

And I think not eating is certainly the right thing to do

I'm actually started to feel my stomach.
I'm listening to a dateline show about a woman who was probably killed by her husband...

I have goals.

I want to be stronger. And in good physical shape.

I want fitness and lightness and freedom from the burden of this weight.

But that's not the right vocabulary,

I want to be positive
I'm not unattractive.
My mind is not clear this is rambling.

I want to wake up in the morning and run. And I guess I should probably at and meditate too.

Then I want to slip on simple clothes and run through my day.

And feel good. Feel good about not drinking feel good about my interactions with people

I want to feel like there's not allot of extra.
No extra weight.
No extra worries.
No wasted resentments and manipulation

No wasted entry on things that won't propel me.

I guess maybe that's why I'm trying to y take a stand about this fit of boredom.

Tired but not sleepy

Compelled to eat when I'm not hungry.

I ate enough today. I ate two much.
I was impatient waiting for the African to come home with food.

I made saltfish. I grazed on it while waiting.

I had a tamale today and comida, and two cups of coffee, a big avacado.