January 23rd Daily refelctions

 January 23

Daily Reflections

HAVING FUN YET?

. . . we aren't a glum lot. If newcomers could see no joy or fun in our existence, they wouldn't want it. We absolutely insist on enjoying life. We try not to indulge in cynicism over the state of the nations, nor do we carry the world's troubles on our shoulders.

ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS , p. 132

When my own house is in order, I find the different parts of my life are more manageable. Stripped from the guilt and remorse that clocked my drinking years, I am free to assume my proper role in the universe, but this condition requires maintenance. I should stop and ask myself, Am I having fun yet? If I find answering that question difficult or painful, perhaps I'm taking myself too seriously - and finding it difficult to admit that I've strayed from my practice of working the program to keep my house in order. I think the pain I experience is one way my Higher Power has to get my attention, coaxing me to take stock of my performance. The slight time and effort it takes to work the program - a spot-check inventory, for example, or the making of amends, whatever is appropriate - are well worth the effort.

January 23

I loathe to admit it. I take my self too seriously. I need to  lean into having fun.  I'll admit I hold onto the state of the nations, I'm going back to school to study exactly that. I it's important. Maybe God will reveal it is not. I will try to be open to that since it's written. But I whole heartily think the state of the body politic, the nation, the culture, the patriarchy are to be clocked. It's a mistake to put your head in the sand on these matters. I maintain many of the opportunities to have fun that are available me are due to the work and activism of those who came before me. Part of the reason I live in NYC is it's was the stage of the planning of this countries revolution for goodness sake. And it's one of the most precious places on earth. 

Clearly God needs to work on me. I've written about this before, there are things about Nicole Rose like. This stand is one of them. Honestly movement in this world in the correct direction may just be worth the life I'm working so hard to have. I want Kamen and the monsters to live in a dynamic educated world where their humanity is increasingly valued. I cannot be dramatic enough to opine that the current state of the nation has that at risk. 

I'll pray for God to change me and not be concerned... But dammit this capitalism bullshit has got to be reformed or revolution is in order. 

I digress. The reading asks if we are having fun. That if we are not having fun newcomers will not come. It's true. The one thing my sponsor has that I want is enjoyment. She's FUN! 

I believe her. I don't know if it's worth subjecting myself to the patriarchy but as Mentioned I'm a work in progress. The reading moves on to discuss getting your house in order. Here I am more obedient and easily see the need for direction. My house is not in order. I live in a beautiful apartment because of a friendship with beautiful Lee. I am beginning to save money, but I have medical bills and student loans. I am suffering with a mental disorder which is not managed properly. And I'm still grieving the loss of Denise, Gustav, and to a lesser extent Muke. I'm overweight and in horrible physical condition. I'm coming to terms with a relapse and need to work the 12 steps again. It feels like HOUSES in disorder. But I recognize that I start where I stand. Today I have many irons in the fire. I'm going to the doctor, I'm in therapy, I'm in AA, I'm working on cleaning my bathroom everyday. I'm working. I'm moving away from isolation and towards community fellowship friendships and family. I'm praying and getting closer to the Rockstar.