Starting Over, But Not From Scratch

I've been told I clean up nicely, but I wear a wife-beater everyday. Hopefully my truth is more fashion forward.

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Saturday, September 14, 2024

To Truly Forgive Yourself

I've made big choices that are not good. 

What's underneath

It's not Gustav. Or love. Or creatity. It's not connecting or challenging tasks ahead of me. It's not love, my life is full.

It's not justice, although that gives you enough to fill long bus rides.

One of the answers is coming.

Is this fear or scared?

Saturday, September 7, 2024

confusion

(1) I believe in ScrubJunior.
(2) I want him to be happy.

Can both exist without interfering?

I have so much good advice!!

NOT from scratch

New job. No ScrubBestFriend. No ScrubSis. No African. No Brooklyn.

Time to grow. I clean my bathroom now. I take vitamins. Boring essential stuff.

The real work starts in my heart.

Truth: I have to hold on; and still let go.

Losing Allison feels like training wheels compared to this. Our monsters are my lifeline to her. Thank Gawd they love me back... Struggling, growing and LIVING. These two are are the reminder. Even with the+Allison-genetic-awesome-deposit; school and life after soccer still happen. And, it's hard to go through it without her. I hold on to everything Allison.

You have to BOTH hold on and still let go.

I have drafts of the hold-on-letters to ScrubSister and ScrubBestie... (They are soooo long)  I work on them late nights. I only work on them when I can't sleep. During daylight I express holding on with ScrubBestie's poetry and ScrubSister's life in SoFlo (my fam.)

I fear.

A weird fear; the shit's not SCARY. (I know rape, violence, poverty, insecurity, loneliness and being abandoned. I know objectively scary stuff.)  I now know this privilege: fear of being silent for fifteen minutes (without a hard task in front of me.)

Alcohol helps but  NOT a solution for me. I can't function while my addiction is trying to kill me. 

But somewhere on the other side of this fear. Is something. Grow-worthy?

I will clean my fukking bathroom and do laundry. I will cry on my way to work when I miss my sister. 

I'll write what happens if I actually do get to fifteen minutes.