Day four of my diet

So the week has been full.

I've learn about trigger foods a little

I've learned about the chain. Trigger-thought- action consequence

I've learned about food density. Water fill foods are the secret to being full. And being full is at least a deterrent.

But I knew I will eat before that. I never let myself be hungry.

The first 7 days are like detox. Followed by 21 days of emotional withdrawal.  After that my food obsession should be lifted.

When the scale goes down  the things trapped in the weight will reveal them selves....

I'm definitely feeling, I think it's anxiousness. I had horrible dreams two nights in a row.

It's 4am and I'm compelled to eat

Yup.
But I'm being abstinent from
White sugar
White flour flour
I'm eating three times a day and two snacks

I haven't been doing well

But tonight I must conquer.

This is going to be harder than I thought.

So what can you do instead of eat?

In that moment. In that hour.

I smoked a cigarette.
I texted my friend Napkins
I watched tv.
I'm writing this

I through out a prayer.
Kind of of desparation.

I'm trying to clear my mind

And I think not eating is certainly the right thing to do

I'm actually started to feel my stomach.
I'm listening to a dateline show about a woman who was probably killed by her husband...

I have goals.

I want to be stronger. And in good physical shape.

I want fitness and lightness and freedom from the burden of this weight.

But that's not the right vocabulary,

I want to be positive
I'm not unattractive.
My mind is not clear this is rambling.

I want to wake up in the morning and run. And I guess I should probably at and meditate too.

Then I want to slip on simple clothes and run through my day.

And feel good. Feel good about not drinking feel good about my interactions with people

I want to feel like there's not allot of extra.
No extra weight.
No extra worries.
No wasted resentments and manipulation

No wasted entry on things that won't propel me.

I guess maybe that's why I'm trying to y take a stand about this fit of boredom.

Tired but not sleepy

Compelled to eat when I'm not hungry.

I ate enough today. I ate two much.
I was impatient waiting for the African to come home with food.

I made saltfish. I grazed on it while waiting.

I had a tamale today and comida, and two cups of coffee, a big avacado.

I think sometimes I'm the pig

Don't ever wrestle with a pig. You'll both get dirty, but the pig will enjoy it.

Hah!

Unhealthy needed and the consequences

Of unhealthy demands

I have an apology to make to the African.

It's not healthy to need validation from him, and the consequences are my unhealthy demands.

I've demanded he understand what's going on with my insides.

Impossible.