January 24th reflection

 January 24th. Jeannette

Daily Reflections

January 24

GETTING INVOLVED

There is action and more action. “Faith without works is dead.” … To be helpful is our only aim.

ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS , pp. 88-89

I understand that service is a vital part of recovery but I often wonder, “What can I do?” Simply start with what I have today! I look around to see where there is a need. Are the ashtrays full? Do I have hands and feet to empty them? Suddenly I’m involved! The best speaker may make the worst coffee; the member who’s best with newcomers may be unable to read; the one willing to clean up may make a mess of the bank account – yet every one of these people and jobs is essential to an active group. The miracle of service is this: when I use what I have, I find there is more available to me than I realized before.

Me jan 24th

Finally an easy reflection 😀. Look around and be helpful. I have a coffee commitment at 7:45am Saturday mornings. Omg it's brutal. But I love my little home group. I'm sure my coffee is terrible. I never know how much to put in. No one has complained though 

This is an area I've grown. I remember appreciating the coffee cookies and chairs at meetings and honestly not feeling like I had to be the one to do it. I'm still like this at home. But at AA I enthusiastically help with setup and especially clean up at meetings. I'm not sure I've ever noticed the MIRACLE of service. But I try to serve however I can. I know my sponsor approves and it gets me to the meeting early. My prayer: Rockstar thank you for opportunity to serve in small ways. Help me grow to serve in little and bigger ways and reveal the miracle in my service.

January 23rd Daily refelctions

 January 23

Daily Reflections

HAVING FUN YET?

. . . we aren't a glum lot. If newcomers could see no joy or fun in our existence, they wouldn't want it. We absolutely insist on enjoying life. We try not to indulge in cynicism over the state of the nations, nor do we carry the world's troubles on our shoulders.

ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS , p. 132

When my own house is in order, I find the different parts of my life are more manageable. Stripped from the guilt and remorse that clocked my drinking years, I am free to assume my proper role in the universe, but this condition requires maintenance. I should stop and ask myself, Am I having fun yet? If I find answering that question difficult or painful, perhaps I'm taking myself too seriously - and finding it difficult to admit that I've strayed from my practice of working the program to keep my house in order. I think the pain I experience is one way my Higher Power has to get my attention, coaxing me to take stock of my performance. The slight time and effort it takes to work the program - a spot-check inventory, for example, or the making of amends, whatever is appropriate - are well worth the effort.

January 23

I loathe to admit it. I take my self too seriously. I need to  lean into having fun.  I'll admit I hold onto the state of the nations, I'm going back to school to study exactly that. I it's important. Maybe God will reveal it is not. I will try to be open to that since it's written. But I whole heartily think the state of the body politic, the nation, the culture, the patriarchy are to be clocked. It's a mistake to put your head in the sand on these matters. I maintain many of the opportunities to have fun that are available me are due to the work and activism of those who came before me. Part of the reason I live in NYC is it's was the stage of the planning of this countries revolution for goodness sake. And it's one of the most precious places on earth. 

Clearly God needs to work on me. I've written about this before, there are things about Nicole Rose like. This stand is one of them. Honestly movement in this world in the correct direction may just be worth the life I'm working so hard to have. I want Kamen and the monsters to live in a dynamic educated world where their humanity is increasingly valued. I cannot be dramatic enough to opine that the current state of the nation has that at risk. 

I'll pray for God to change me and not be concerned... But dammit this capitalism bullshit has got to be reformed or revolution is in order. 

I digress. The reading asks if we are having fun. That if we are not having fun newcomers will not come. It's true. The one thing my sponsor has that I want is enjoyment. She's FUN! 

I believe her. I don't know if it's worth subjecting myself to the patriarchy but as Mentioned I'm a work in progress. The reading moves on to discuss getting your house in order. Here I am more obedient and easily see the need for direction. My house is not in order. I live in a beautiful apartment because of a friendship with beautiful Lee. I am beginning to save money, but I have medical bills and student loans. I am suffering with a mental disorder which is not managed properly. And I'm still grieving the loss of Denise, Gustav, and to a lesser extent Muke. I'm overweight and in horrible physical condition. I'm coming to terms with a relapse and need to work the 12 steps again. It feels like HOUSES in disorder. But I recognize that I start where I stand. Today I have many irons in the fire. I'm going to the doctor, I'm in therapy, I'm in AA, I'm working on cleaning my bathroom everyday. I'm working. I'm moving away from isolation and towards community fellowship friendships and family. I'm praying and getting closer to the Rockstar.

January 22 daily reflection

 Jan 22-"walked the AA path out of hell by packaging their lives into 24 hr segments... Few principles..best of abilities."

I'm getting better at this. With the added reflection that the present is the gift. I package my little bits of time and apply whatever sobriety principal comes to mind. I start with a prayer in which I lead with gratitude, and let the rest fly by trying to make "the next correct move" I lean heavily on the readings and principles which my peers stress are important, and try to forget my own ideas of correctness. For my best thinking reduced my existence to broken broken body in a hospital, without even the strength to make correct choices.

It's not always an entire 24hours. I've learned it's okay to pause anytime and restart a new bundle, smaller bundle of time. There are days it's just til the train gets me to the office. Or just the afternoon or evening.

Part 3 Jan 22. 

I'm coming to terms with my relapse. It  itself is a reset. Continuing my journey one day at a time. I long for an easy solution. Some steps to take to make sure I have a long life, with predictable progress. I wish there was an easy way to obtain humility. Integrity. Mental health. But that is not the nature of this plight. We are granted a daily repreive. Or an hourly one. But I can look back at prior days. Seeing the harder ones that I have emerged from victorious. The victory is one over true small bundle of time that the Rockstar has blessed me with. My prayer: thank you for being Rockstar. Thank you for my life. Please help me through this day. Please help me be kind,  or at least not do any harm today. Watch my mouth. Grow my faith. Bless Kamen and Jadon, and the monsters. Today will be a good day.

January 21st daily reflection

 Daily Reflections

January 21 SERVING MY BROTHER The member talks to the newcomer not in a spirit of power but in a spirit of humility and weakness. —ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS COMES OF AGE p. 279 As the days pass in A.A., I ask God to guide my thoughts and the words that I speak. In this labor of continuous participation in the Fellowship, I have numerous opportunities to speak. So I frequently ask God to help me watch over my thoughts and my words, that they may be the true and proper reflections of our program; to focus my aspirations once again to seek His guidance; to help me be truly kind and loving, helpful and healing, yet always filled with humility, and free from any trace of arrogance. Today I may very well have to deal with disagreeable attitudes or utterances—the typical stock-in-trade attitude of the still-suffering alcoholic. If this should happen, I will take a moment to center myself in God, so that I will be able to respond from a perspective of composure, strength and sensibility.

January 21st The reading is about having gid guide my thoughts and words in recovery. We will deal disagreeable attitudes, they are simply from sick and suffering peérs. This reading is right on time. But first what on my mind this morning is my sister, Denise. Today is her birthday. I miss her I love my monsters and we all miss her. In the spirit of today's reading I will find kind loving words for Joseph Khimani Natalie and my mom, Serena. We are still all reeling from loss. Denise was especially wonderful for birthdays. She was a natural host. Who loved to celebrate. I love my sister. I've been fortunate that I rarely encounter irritable attitudes from my fellow alcoholics. My fellowship is full of loving people with time and wonderful newcomers who are trying to get sober. It's easy to be encouraging to the newcomer. And easy to appreciate the wisdom from the old-timers. I especially appreciate their aggressive and explicit opinions about the No Matter What Club. They are free to share that despite loss, divorce, illness, job loss that for today no matter what- nothing can be helped by drinking. They are clear that we are pickles, no longer cucumbers. Alcohol no longer works and the best way to handle this is to connect, share what we are going through and talk about it so it doesn't fester. That life will happen. Life will always happen and these challenges are part of our journey. I admire their strength pride and love to rely on God and. The fellowship. Whatever we do DON'T PICK UP. Last Saturday at my early meeting was amazing. The speaker shared about freedom happiness and peace. I have trouble with these notion. But sometimes God gives you the perfect meeting that need. Each person in my small home group shared on what those things mean to them and illustrated how God was working through the program to show each thing. Peace for example is the way we wake up in the morning without the hangover and toxic feeling. That feeling when you wake up in the morning and don't have to wonder who is laying next to you. We now always remember what went on n the night before and don't have to call our friends and ask, what happened last night?" I identified with that peace! Others shared that uncomfortbility we all sit with vanishing after time! I look forward to that little freedom! And being happy with simple things. One woman shared how she enjoyed sitting with a cup of tea and binging a silly TV show. I'm going to by some tea to sip the next time I take time to read a book. It will enhance my happiness I feel when reading. As I listened to my peers share I began to get understanding of these foreign words. I shared my gratitude for the fact my sponsor had me reflecting on this very thing that morning in my reading and the beautiful shares in the room. I triumphantly exclaimed. That I would keep coming! That I learned so much. Afterwards folks actually came up to me and said they were moved by my little share. I didn't expect that. But it was very characteristic of my home group. They are insightful and honest wise and humble. My prayer for the day. God increase my humility and help me be mindful of conversing with the best things about the program in mind. Today will be a great day.

January 20th Reflection

 Yes. Two important points. First, I didn't have fun drinking. I don't have a sexy drunkalog with drinking as a social elixir that made life fun and attractive and a feeling of belonging. I drank alone to withdraw and sleep. The last five years before I got sober in 2017 I drank to avoid being sick. The last relapse led to six hospital trips including two to the ICU, a detox and five months of treatment for addiction, depression and Bi Polar disorder. 

Secondly, I don't need to be convinced. When I started on this journey I chose to accept the theories and conclusions presented in the book and these readings. The journey necessarily involves accepting things I otherwise wouldn't.  It may concerning  and terrifying I'm not enthusiastic about these assertions. If the requirement is I enthusiastically believe them, well that's a different matter. But I'm not enthusiastic about anything.  

Honesty demands I be clear of where I am. I'm leaning in as if they were laws that will govern how I build. Truthfully I'm not turned on by them. I do have a desire to stop drinking. I am following the program. I'm listening. I'm reading. I'm praying for God to do for me what I don't have the battery to do for myself. I'm exhausted. I'm scared this disease will kill me. It WILL if I do not do this correctly. I'm leaning in to a spiritual relationship with the Rockstar. I'm praying for change. I'm following directions. I'm grateful I'm alive. I'm not strong. But I'm optimistic and things are getting better. Honest, Open and Willing. Those are the instructions. I am honest. I am open. I am willing. I have been blessed with another chance by God. The Rockstar made me. The Rockstar is concerned about me. The Rockstar loves me. 

My sponsor says that my writing reflects a lack of program. So I will increase my program.  I know how to perform. I know all the sober words. I'm not performing  sober acting words in these reflections. I will not lie in my own journal. I am going to be truthful and if that means I have to do many more assignments, alright. I'll do them to my capacity. That's what I'm doing. 

My prayer today. God thank you for life. Carry me. Change me. Help me. Heal me. Today's journey is better than the horrible days drinking. Help me be kind to others, generous with my people, and of some kind of service.It will be a good day

January 19th Reflection

 "am I living the way of honesty, unselfishness and faith?" Today's reading again is about building a foundation for life. I'm at the beginning of building a new life, not out of any noble desire to be a better person, but because my addiction took everything including almost my life- thank God for modern medicine.

The reading says the ADVENTURE of building such a life is better than the Merry go round of our old life. I'm leaning into the adventure. A Date Saturday asserted the whole purpose of this life is to be present. The present moment. He gave examples of how he was a destination junky. I've bought into the idea that the panacea must be something to attain. I mean I'm sitting for the LSAT next month, thinking that more school has something for me. It's fine he said, but the whole purpose was the present. It was great tangent, but his main idea tracks. If the adventure of. Building this thing (that will never be fully built) is the goal. Then we have to take pleasure satisfaction out of the present, right? I mean the adventure is the thing. I'll lean in. It's the correct thing to do. It certainly doesn't make sense to chase the tomorrow everyday. And our readings claim there's an appropriate place of minor regard for the past that's appropriate as well.y prayer for the day God help me appreciate this Advent today. Thank you for the challenge. Thank you for Adams insight. And thank you for that present (gift) of sitting with a great guy and having the suggestion it was the point of life for that moment. I did stop and take a beat. Notice where I was, appreciate his brown eyes appreciating mine and having a great conversation. And thank you for life. You and a while universe to conspire umpteen events to have me here at this moment reflecting on a something written by a stranger to engage this moment, and reflect on my life in this new way. I'm looking forward to the day.

Sunday January 18th Reflection

 I'm building a new life yes. Because I've recently hit a bottom. I have no choice but to rebuild. I might as well try to have a healthy life for the first time. There are remnants of Nicole Rose I want to keep. But I probably won't be able too. The realization that I may have to be a brand new person is heartbreaking. I've lived along time with the old Nicole. I'd be dishonest if I asserted I wasn't scared of being brand new. I don't actually like and respect most people. There are few people I admire and I don't feel like I want to be anyone I know. There are ideas I enjoy, unfortunately I was a drunk. But there were things I liked. The realization I have to give her up makes me sad. That's the truth. But I was also never truly happy or peaceful or free... I don't know those things. I see people that appear to be those things. They don't actually appeal to me. But the program says that's what I'm supposed to want. In  the new life I'm pursuing, I guess that's what God has for me. I'm supposed to want it. I'm following directions and pursuing these noble things prescribed for a fulfilling life. In my present there leaves so much to be desired I don't mind. It doesn't make me excited. But the idea of leaving this laziness and this absence of energy and inability to enjoy is good. I'm motivated to move a way from these things in the second half of my life. I'm willing to have this happiness, peace, freedom. It's what a sober life is offering. I will move towards it. I mean we have to move toward something if I'm leaving old Nicole behind. I am looking forward knowing the Rockstar. The pursuit of that seems life worthy. Along the way I will be of service and fulfill a purpose of helping others. That is noble as well. The begining of the reading prescribed it can't happen all at once. These things must come slowly because it's our brain itself that gets reprogrammed in the process. My prayer today is for acceptance of complete change. That what God wants for me is better than anything I can up with, so it's worth giving Nicole Rose up. I can build a foundation of sobriety for my life. With God's help. Relying that what he wants for me is better. Wiser. Than what I could ever want for myself.

Saturday Jan 17th Reflection

 January 17 - "Sooner or later we have to get into action by coming to meetings regularly, by giving a personal witness of our experience with alcohol, and by trying to help other alcoholics....Am I spending at least as much time and effort on the new life that I’m trying to build in AA?

These readings really take me to task. I'm not spending energy on anything. That's not the way to progress, I know. But I also know that I'm exhausted. The goal right now is to go work every day. I have not been to more than 2 meetings a week since summer. I was on treatment for 5 months going to group every day and going to therapy. It felt overwhelming even when I wasn't working. And since I've been at my job I've taken "mental health days" and sick days more than is acceptable. Part of me thinks that I'm acting at my capacity. But I know I can stretch. Doing this daily reflection has been a stretch. But if I want sobriety I have to do more. More showing up to the office, continually eating better and trying to get sleep every night is needed. It feels beyond my capacity. I will pray for God to do for me what I don't have the battery to do for myself. Can I commit to more meetings. I should. I should also call my family check on my friends get my medical follow ups and go to the dentist. I must also clean my bathroom everyday and take my medication. It feels like a lot but I have big goals. I want to lead a life of service and I want to go back to school and I want to try to do things that are fun in NYC. I'm going to add more meetings to my long list and move it ahead of what? Exercise? Calling my monsters. The truth is the answer is probably yes. Without sobriety I won't have ANYTHING. So rearranging priorities is in order. My prayer this week. I will go to a meeting Sunday. Face the reality that those other things have to wait until I have meetings as a part of my daily life? A meeting every day. Does it have to be done? Here is where I'll talk to my sponsor after her vacation. She knows me. I can rely on her intelligence on the matter. My prayer today. Thank God for placing a sponsor in my life to help navigate these challenges. And thank God for the challenges. They will serve to make me better.

Friday January 16th reflection

 The AA program is more about building a new way of living rather than just getting over drinking. For it isn't the ability to put down the drink that is the problem but staying stopped. I wish that were true for me. My experience is that is is tremendously difficult to stop. When I relapsed it was only medical attention that could get me to physically halt pouring vodka into my body. It is a divne miracle to both stop and stay stopped but I understand what the writer was saying. To stay stopped is even harder. And to this point I haven't been successful at that. I've relapsed repeatedly. And to be truthful I don't know what makes this time different. I am no more motivated today than on my last dozen sober dates. And mentally I'm tired. I'm depressed and not good company. I'm lazy and unmotivated. I'm unreliable and selfish. I have people that love me who I do not love sufficiently in return. I'm no better a person and I'm weaker. I'm not as courageous and optimistic. And I'm scared. The good hung is that God doesn't require a requisite amount of strength or goodness or optimism to work in my life. He made me. He loves me. He is concerned about my well-being. He is willing to bless me. He is willing to make me better. Thank God that is all I have to realize and try to hold onto. He will do the heavy lifting. Maybe he'll make me stronger. I do know that he gave me today and a mouth to say thank you with. I can try to be kind and good to someone today. I can try to smile at someone and be helpful or at least do no harm to them. Who knows what the day will bring. I have a feeling that he'll help me build the way of living. My prayer today is that I'll make it though the day and be of a little service. God hold all of us today. It will be a good day.

Thursday Jan 15th reflection

 Has aa become my natural way of living? Most certainly not. The good things in my life can be directly attributed to AA. But the chaotic stuff is all Nicole made. I am stubborn and arrogant. I do get this part though. That at the end of the day staying sober depends on finding keeping and a developing a relationship with the rock star. The sobriety solution is in fact a spiritual one. The nature of my disease is physical cravings and mental obsessions and self centered focus. And the conventional attributes of practicing aa addresses these problems. Service, focus on gratitude and talking everyday with other alcoholics, even meetings. The Crux of the whole proposition is a godly endeavor. So while I work at doing the conventional things better. I need to keep my eye on the prize. Learning about my God discovering the nature of my relationship to my creator has to be the big goal. I'll continue to be better little by little on the conventional practices. I'll do my assignments, go to meetings, do my coffee commitment and encourage my fellow addicts. But I won't kill myself if I don't do those things perfectly. What I will try to do honestly and hopefully and optimistic ally is get closer to the Rockstar. I will have huge goals like being grateful for my challenges. I will pray to something ever more and more real. I will pray for salvation and and try to earn my blessings by being more godly. Even though the reality is his love is so awesome that none of us can earn it. I will try to make God proud of my motives and try to be a loving and generous person. I will try to walk away from taking my will back. Realizing that I will continually fail if I don't grow more spiritually. It's a big ask. But what I'm realizing is that my addiction and mental illness are massive problems only God can solve anyway. Is sobriety a natural way of life? Honestly no. But I'm going to start where I stand looking at the true journey. This mental health thing. This being sober thing. Is solved on a daily basis if I keep the larger picture in mind. I'll try my best with a mind to give it more to than a half measure.

Wednesday Jan 14th reflection

 No regrets. today's reading speaks about regret and guilt. Regret and Guillt don't serve us. but it's still one of the ways I beat myself up. Mostly about Kamen and Jadon. I wasn't a good mother. in the past decade we have developed loving relationships. and they are the two things that i'm most grateful to have back. Kamen is building a life for herself and she makes me so proud. she is one of the finest people I know. Jason is struggling. He isolates like I do. But I am so grateful that God has given me the gift of time, so that I can love my son. and he knows that I love him. I do wish he was happier. but sobriety has also taught me that I can't control or make him a happy person. I love him to pieces though and still have feelings of guilt and responsibility for his blues.  My prayer for today is that GOD holds and teaches and cherishes my children. and i'm ever grateful that I have relationships with my children.